Finding A Suitor - Should I? Should I Not?

A mother in China uploaded a video of her 26-year old daughter walking out of a shower with intention to find prospective boyfriends for her.

When asked about her requirements for a boyfriend, the daughter replies:

“I’m all right, as long as (he) is nice to you (the mother) and nice to me. That’s enough.’’

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I was at My Sister's place yesterday, when She popped a question of any suitable suitor for a 30-year old secondary school teacher.

The mother is worried as the teacher, the eldest in the family, will be left on the shelf.
Most cousins of hers around her age, are already with toddlers.
I had just met her less than a week ago in Simei.
Her demure nature and politeness, paled my existence.
All I can say, she has a very big heart, accepting things as they come.

She is the backbone of the family as the father is sick.
She shoulder the responsibility as a breadwinner and a big sister to another five siblings.
Unlike her other sisters, she has almost no social life, given the heavy responsibility on her shoulders.
She knew she has to set good example to her siblings.
Her life revolves around school and family.

Not that she has had no suitor, but unfortunately, they (I knew some of them), appeared less than satisfactory, not 'marriage material'.
She just needs a balanced practicing man.

Her sister, the second in the family, is about to get engaged.
The mother is trying hard to ask her second daughter, a teacher too, to hold on to the engagement date.

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Should I, or should I not give a word or two?
She, a U grad, and myself, a graduate of u-never-study school, met My Husband not long after My 'O' Level, them married Him, because His character is almost like My Late Father whom I highly look upon, despite the difference in race and nationality.

There was no pre-marriage class to attend then, and soon, I had packed up to stay in a foreign place that gave My Parents headache with many up north husbands left wives, children and families upon expiring working contract in Singapore.
Maybe it's the reason that I gave others enough headache and heartache, that I have no regret to the chosen path as I have little (GOD willing) headache and heartache, myself.

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There was once when I was entangled in a group of about six U grads, discussing of what to do with one of the members' marriage, on the verge of breakdown - Three of them were single parents.
I tried to reason, marriage solution is unlike solving Maths, where there must be an answer to every problem.
Proving right or wrong can be crucial - Just compromise and play along the line.
Some strings need to be pulled and some, we can pretend it does not exist at all.

Most men (not all) are known mess makers.
It already helps a lot when they do not mess around the house.
And it is a bonus if they give a helping hand.
Some men do not see the reason why they need to help out at home.
And some working wives I know, have to prepare food once she return home, beside attending to the children's needs.
It is most frustrating when their husbands left the dining table after meals, without helping out with the dirty plates.

But these logic women's minds group together, they want comrades in marriage.
In partnership, roles need to be executed, to be equally shared. 
Learning and understanding married life is not through one's experience and flexibility, but books and seminars.
Black is black and white is white.
No grey area for that matter.
Maybe I'm shallow in my thinking, just drifting along where the wind blows.

All I can do at that time, was looking at their innocent kids faces at play, oblivion to their mothers' conversations.
The 7-year marriage, despite best minds put together, sadly fall apart.
From then on, I was usually hesitant to answer when asked by the educated about advise on staying married.

For me, not highly educated is a sore point too, much as being highly educated.

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While these girls work on their personal goals, many of them had lower their standards for the sake of avoiding lifelong loneliness.
And a startling number are paving their way to spinsterhood.

My Sister's friend, an ex-secondary school teacher with handsome gratuity payment said, she wish not being single all her life.
But of course, she would not cheapened herself stooping so low in finding a husband.

One of her friend, an active personality in education, married a man I knew since childhood, who was only village-schooled.

The man's father favoured the older son, being more intelligent and good looking.

While the older brother attended school, the man had to hawk around the village, selling noodle, "mee rebus", which I used to buy.

While the older brother enjoying his youth, the man had to find money to put his only brother and two sisters in school. 

While the older brother get to choose his bride, the man's bride was match-made.

While the older brother lives in flat, the man lives in condo, with his very educated, active wife and grownup children.

All these, despite the village-schooled man, to my knowledge, now is just an ordinary worker with the Ministry of Environment.

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Who do not want to be part of the “wedding club”?
My Sister's friend asked us cautiously.

When she saw her siblings' children are now with their own children, of course, her feeling was pressurised.
"For whatever outcome, better or worse, getting married and wanting to be in the marriage circle is in everybody's mind," she said.
The built-in intense desire is always there, at the back of everybody's mind.
But for suitable suitors came knocking, the availability left to be wondered -  
“Where are they, decent suitors?”

Are men still maintaining traditional ideas as the best type of wife suited to them are just like their mothers were?
Are all men looking for the same ideal type of comforting, shy, obedient and submissive wives? 
The lack of noteworthy male suitors, put some aspiring wives to frustration.

Some girls wondered, if indeed, their degrees and careers are getting in the way of meeting Mr Right?
Are they being penalised for being too educated and successful in getting into good paid jobs?
Not that they shun marriage, but they were kept busy working on their education, then career took off.

That is usually when parents realised, their children are no more small kids.

They are at the age when these parents, at their children's age, the hands were full with raising kids and families' commitment.

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With the current circumstances at hand, My Sister's friend is being realistic - She cannot have all the cake and enjoy it herself.
All her younger life was focused on upgrading herself for betterment in her job that she had little time to meet people.
Now, she is staying in a private housing, travelled the world, spent most Ramadhans in the holy lands and used to drive expensive cars.
But since she opted early retirement due to work fatigue, she enjoys the public transport more, although she still maintains her lifestyle.

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I have a friend, when in her early 30s, she married a wheel-chaired man, almost ten years her junior.

Another friend, she only met her husband on their marriage solemnisation day , although they had known each other for two-years through chatting online.

The husband is a university lecturer in one of the African country.

Despite his profession, their several marriage request was turned down by the Singapore government, but they went ahead with the marriage.

She stayed back in Singapore with her kid while he continues teaching.

It's a relief to know their marriage sailed smoothly, and they never give up requesting for the man's stay in Singapore.

I have known a number of girls marrying Turkish men had their husbands become Singaporeans.

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Education and marriage are not necessarily conflicting, although both are time consuming.
Both education and marriage can flourish simultaneously, although much sacrifices are needed.
If self can be tuned to us, with the right spouse, both can continue.
Cherish The Idea.

The longer marriage is delayed in favour of education, the ticking biological time bomb is wasting away.
The bringing up of children requires great physical energy and providing them with sound education requires great finance, translating to the breadwinners' good health in bringing home the dough.
Give It A Second Thought.

Can the self, the segregated you and I becomes us?
The Family?
Can the material chase be reduced to having a decent flat to stay and having food on the table?

Room for potentiality growth is big and room for material collection is enormous.

When both husband and wife accept and respect one another’s ambitions and priorities in life, marriage is not about putting a shackle on one person, nor a prison on another...

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"And among HIS Signs is This, 

that HE Created for you, 

mates from among yourselves, 

that you may dwell in tranquility with them, 

and HE has put love and mercy between your hearts. 

Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." 

- Surah Ar Rum: 21.

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Read: 'I Would Have Given Up My Career To Save My Marriage' - Madeleine Albright