Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Wicked Mother-In-Law At Work

While placing one of his finger at Tina*'s neck, Ustaz recited his selawat.
Tina's facial expression showed she was cringing with great pain, her eyeballs looked up, her four limbs were all struggling.
She had started the opening of her silat, the Malay self defence.

"Engkau siapa? Siapa hantar engkau? Kenapa kacau Tina?" 
Ustaz continued with her ruqyah verses.
Questions after questions, verses after versus from the Qur'an were recited.

The jinn inside Tina could not take the  life threatening episode any longer.
It began to cry and promised to leave Tina's body.
Ustaz told the unseen being if it is to disturb Tina again, Ustaz will seek GOD's permission to kill it.

After Tina was better, she said she kept seeing the dukun who used to visit her mother-in-law.
As far as she knows, the traditional Malay healer is only a family friend.

But she was in a suspicious environment not long after marriage and staying with her in-laws.
Many frightening dreams and incidences had happened.
Worst of all, a great weight had blocked her breathing.
She was always at the brink of death.   

The first night at her in-laws' house, Tina already had nightmare.
Sleep disturbances were frequent, until they moved to their own home.
If not, she would often feel the presence of her husband beside her, although she knew that he was still at work.

Tina was not allowed to prepare morning coffee for her husband, nor preparing dinner for the family.
She knew, she had seen without her mother-in-law's knowledge, that the mother would blow into the plate of hot rice from which her husband will then eat.
She found it odd upon checking the kitchen cabinet, there were portions of sugar and salt, tied in small plastics.

*******         

The jinn inside Tina had agreed to become a Muslim.
After syahadah was recited for the conversion, it is not supposed to return to its master.
It will stay at the 'said' mosque where it will have to attend tazkirah, learning to become a better GOD's creature.
It is not to become human's slave.

****** 

"Ummie tak bawak balik ke air tu? 
Dah puas cari dalam kereta. Tak adalah."
Tina asked about the water that Ustaz had asked her to bath with.
I knew I did not bring it home with me.

She called Ustaz asking about the matter.
He said that the jinn's owner had send 'someone' to take it away.
The owner was furious knowing her slave has turned against her.

In the meantime, Tina is to recite Ta'aawuz a thousand times daily, and
Laa Ilaaha Illallaah.Wahdahu Laa Syariikalah.
Lahul Mulku Wa Lahul Hamd.
Yuhyii WaYumiit. WaHuwa 'Alaa Kullii Syai'in Qodiir.

Tina knows her mother-in-law always wanted her dead.
Often her husband's nephews and nieces told her that their grandmother likes this particular someone to be her daughter-in-law.
Until today, all family members know that the grandmother still harbours her dream.       

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Maid - Chosen Over Mate

When Men Choose Maid Over Mate

Caught in the act by young son
ADAM (not real name) is a househusband who takes care of his two children while his wife works as a lawyer.

"It was simple at first. After our second child was born, I couldn't handle the additional workload. When I suggested we get a maid, my wife didn't hesitate.

"Although our Cambodian maid was not drop-dead gorgeous, I was attracted to her petite figure and demure character."

After a couple of months, Adam's attraction towards the maid grew.
"I wouldn't say I am a pious man but neither would I have expected to be a cheating husband.

"It all started with an innocent brushing of hands when she passed me a cup of tea.

"I could see that she was not the type to say 'no' to requests. So, when I asked her politely if she would sleep with me, she said okay.

"We started having more and more afternoon 'sessions' while the kids took their naps."

Adam's wife didn't suspect anything. In fact, she felt at ease staying late at the office, knowing that someone was at home to take care of her family.

Adam said: "As much as I tried to stop, I couldn't. Soon, I found myself taking more and more risks. I would even try to get the maid into bed while the kids were watching television in the living room. I knew we could get caught, but that was part of the excitement.

"However, the baffled and confused look on my eldest son's face when he walked in on us one day was all it took.

"It was a good thing my son didn't say anything about it to my wife. But from that day, I stopped sleeping with the maid. I realised that I was hurting two innocent victims." 

When the maid's bed broke
Shana (not real name), 33, first suspected her husband was having an affair with the maid when the maid's bed broke.

"I always knew my husband had a roving eye and would constantly get attention from his female colleagues. But I expected him to have some standard in choosing his affairs.

"Don't get me wrong, I never condoned it but I was willing to put up with it for the sake of the marriage and kids.

"When our first maid confessed that she had slept with my husband, I accused her of lying.

"I packed her bags and asked her to leave. I was under the impression that she only wanted to 'divide and conquer' the family.

"But when our replacement maid's new bed broke, I got suspicious. She was a skinny and small-sized girl and it didn't seem possible for her to break a bed on her own."

Shana's suspicions were confirmed when she caught her husband sneaking out of their bedroom in the middle of the night one day.
"A part of me didn't want to accept what that might mean, but I had to know. After a couple of minutes, I opened my maid's bedroom door and found him on top of her.

"Needless to say, he was dumbfounded and could not weasel his way out of it.

"I filed for divorce and am now happily remarried to an honest, loyal and trustworthy man." 

Expert tips on "affair-proofing" your marriage
UNITED States-licensed marriage and family therapist Dr Johnben Loy, who is also Taylor's University visiting fellow, provides some tips on affair-proofing your marriage. 

Q: Why do you think some men find maids sexually appealing?

A: There is a host of factors to be considered before a man finds a maid appealing, not just for the care she provides. For example, the age and the look may be important.
A maid who is older and more matronly can provide care, but can be perceived as a mother figure. 

Q: What warning signs should wives look out for?

A: One of the main contributors to extramarital affairs is prolonged emotional and physical distance between spouses. Often, the stress of having a second or third child, together with a busy career, can lead to couples growing apart from each other, thereby, creating a tendency towards extramarital relations.
Wives who are concerned can monitor the "emotional temperature" of the relationship to make sure it is warm and the connection is vibrant. 

Q: When it comes to maids, how can couples safeguard their marriage?

A: If a couple is concerned about safeguarding the marriage, the couple can agree to let the wife be in charge of the maid. The husband can request household needs from the wife, who can then instruct the maid to execute the requests.

In addition, the couple needs to make sure not to involve the maid in their personal conflicts, for example, complaining to the maid about the wife or the husband.
Although the maid may be living in the house, it is important to exercise proper boundaries with her and to treat her with the same respect that one would treat a local employee.
Doing these things can help protect the boundary around the husband and wife. 

Q:Should wives take on a more nurturing role in terms of cooking and cleaning for their husbands, instead of leaving these tasks to the maids?

A: In marriages with more traditional role patterns, wives can instruct and manage maids in such a way that the maids are seen as assisting them in their nurturing roles.

The couple can agree to treat the maid as the employee of the wife so that subsequently, even though the tasks are carried out by the maid, the instructions and intentions come from the wife, thereby, strengthening the couple's relationship.

Source: New Straits Times - July 3, 2011

Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Choicest Rotten Meat

سُبْحَانَ الَّذِي أَسْرَى بِعَبْدِهِ لَيْلاً مِّنَ الْمَسْجِدِ الْحَرَامِ إِلَى الْمَسْجِدِ الأَقْصَى الَّذِي بَارَكْنَا حَوْلَهُ لِنُرِيَهُ مِنْ آيَاتِنَا إِنَّهُ هُوَ السَّمِيعُ البَصِيرُ 

"GLORY be to GOD Who made HIS Servant to go by night from the Sacred mosque (Mecca) 
to the Farthest Mosque (Jerusalem) 
Of which 
We have Blessed the Precincts, 
so that We may show to Him some of Our Signs; 
surely HE is the Hearing, the Seeing." 

Al-Qur'an - Surah Al-Isra': 1 

******

Prophet Muhammad sollallaahu 'alaihi wasallam was ascending the sky with Gabriel 'alaihis salam during Isra' Mi'raj (yesterday was Rejab 27).

He s.a.w. saw those, although in front of them were excellent meats in pots, they chose the putrid and foul ones.
They would eat from the foul and rotten meat, and would not touch the good meat.
Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. asked Gabriel a.s., 

"What is this, O Jibril?"

to which he replied, 

"These are the men from Your community. 
They have excellent, lawful wife at home, but chose unlawful women to spend their nights with.

And the women would leave their excellent, lawful husband, to go and spend their nights with foul men."

******

Marriage and family life are protected by very strong rules, because every goodness comes through marriage.

"And among HIS Signs is this, 
that HE created you (Adam) from dust,
and then (Hawa' [Eve] from Adam's rib, 
and then his offspring from the semen, and), 
- behold you are human beings scattered!
And among HIS Signs is this, 
that HE created for you wives from among yourselves, 
that you may find repose in them, 
and HE has put between you affection and mercy. 
Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect. 
And among HIS Signs 
is the creation of the heavens and the earth, 
and the difference of your languages and colours. 
Verily, 
in that are indeed signs for men of sound knowledge." 
Al-Qur'an Surah Ar-Ruum 20 - 22 

******

Family is the foundation of society.

The peace and security offered by a stable family unit is greatly valued, and seen as essential for the spiritual growth of its members.

Children are priceless treasures.
Living in a harmonious family, they rarely want to leave home before marriage.
Some chose to remain staying with their parents after marriage.

A Muslim girl can never be forced to marry against her will, but her parents can suggest suitable men.
Female, weather single or married, is an individual in her own right.
A marriage dowry is given by the groom to the bride for her own personal use.

She keeps her own family name rather than taking her husband's.

Prophet Muhammad sollallaahu 'alaihi wasallam had said, 

"The most perfect in faith amongst believers 
is he who is best in manner and kindest to his wife."

A Muslim marriage is not a 'sacrament', but just a simple, legal agreement but which is often made complicated by tradition.

Divorce, although not forbidden, is only taken as the last resort as, 

"Enter upon matrimony. but do not divorce your wives, since divorce shakes the very Throne Of GOD."

Yes, divorce between husband and wife shakes the 'Arasy'.
'Arasy is ALLAH S.W.T.'s 'Throne'.

Surely!!!
Divorce really, really anger the Creator.
If not, why thus the 'Arasy' is shaken?

******

The satan Daasim stations itself at doorways.
Whose house upon entry is without salam, Daasim's duty is to cause conflict between household members - men, wives and families.

Those who were and are caught offguard, Daasim triumph when it leads to violence and it won trophy when it results divorces between couples.

Then there is 'Awar, who encourages adultery.

******

A close friend do not see any wrong in his adulterous way.
He admitted frankly, he has to lead that kind of life, to complete his living.

The wife had encouraged another marriage for him.
But, relationship outside marriage is a thrill beyond expression.
Just like food, he craves varieties!

Why is that so?
The wife had often dream of their home being barged into.
Often she would sense a woman loitering around the lift-landing, or nearer home, at the gate.
Other time, her daughter just tell the mother there's someone near the shoe rack.

The wife did mention what she saw and sense to the husband, but he just refuse any changes made to his life.

When asked to go for counselling, he said, he knows more than the wife knew not. 

“Do as You please in this world, Oh Muhammad, 
But remember, 
You will be accountable for all that You do. 

And live as You please in this world, Oh Muhammad, 
But remember, 
One day, You will taste death. 

And love whom You please in Your life, Oh Muhammad, 
But remember, 
One day, You will part with Your loved one in death.” 
Jibrail a.s. said to the Prophet s.a.w.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Misunderstood Cultural, Nothing Religious Inbreeding

Inbreeding Among Muslims In The UK Is A Sizeable Problem 
nuryn 

Opening Up Discussion Of Problem Of Inbreeding
Inbreeding within the Muslim community in the UK and its tragic consequences have recently been aired openly. Within the community itself, where marrying within the family is part of tradition, the problem of inbreeding tends merely to be accepted as par for the course. For others, silence on the issue of inbreeding is the result of political correctness and fear of being branded racist. A talk on inbreeding within Islamic communities by geneticist Steve Jones prompted airing of the issue in the British press. Warning that inbreeding in Islamic communities was threatening the health of generations of children, Steve Jones, said, “We should be concerned as there can be a lot of hidden genetic damage and children are much more likely to get two copies of a damaged gene”.
Size And Impact Of The Problem
Although inbreeding is a huge problem within the Islamic community, inbreeding is not a koranic teaching. The problem is more cultural than religious, even though there could be confusion within the minds of the community.
The vast majority of Muslims in the UK are from Pakistan. It is said that about half of British Pakistani Muslims marry a first cousin and that such Muslim inbreeding are 13 times more likely than the general population to produce children with genetic disorders. About 10% of children from first-cousin marriages either dies in infancy or develops a serious life-threatening disability. And although 3% of children born in the UK are British Pakistanis, they make up 33% of the 15,000 to 20,000 children born each year with genetic defects. The defects range from blindness or deafness, to physical deformities, to all kinds of organ damage, including brain damage, which can cause death or chronic degenerative illnesses.
It is not just the hospitals that have to cope with the medical problems that these children face. The education system, too, has to try to cater for those with learning difficulties. Then there are the families themselves, who have to cope with the impaired children, or have to face the trauma of the loss of children. On top of that, physically unaffected children are more likely than the general population to carry the defective gene and pass it on to subsequent generations.
Attitude Of Muslim Community To The Problem
The issue of inbreeding is one that is discussed to some extent on Muslim websites. Explaining the popularity of marriages between cousins, one British-Pakistani netizen wrote, “A main reason why this corrupt practice is still followed in Britain is because the family wants to keep their property, land, jewellery and money in the family. The lack of education in families, along with Pakistani village culture, encourages these incestuous marriages”.
This lack of education is evident in the responses that some charity and health-sector workers encounter. They are told by many parents that the children’s disability is due to an “act of God” or the “will of Allah”. Zed Ali, manager of Project BME (Black Minority Ethnics), and herself of Asian and British background,  says that some parents think that if their children die, they will become angels in heaven.
Effort To Educate The Muslim Community
A Muslim doctor in Birmingham, Mohamed Walji, has discussed the devastating effect of cousin-marriages with the imam at his local mosque. The imam has since given lectures about this topic. According to Mohamed Walji, there has been a reduction in the number of cousin-marriages.
Think About It
If there are hard data on the size of the problem of inbreeding and its devastating effects, should it be politically incorrect to discuss the problem? Would it be more correct to discuss the issue of inbreeding and find constructive ways of tackling the problem? Many people in the Muslim community in the UK are educated, and by website comments are concerned about the effects of inbreeding. Could they, or should they, like Mohamed Walji, be leading the way in trying to stem the problem? Could religious leaders also play a part?

Source: A Big Message - Monday, June 6, 2011

****** 

Hay Festival 2011: Professor Risks Political Storm Over Muslim 'Inbreeding’

Prof Steve Jones, one of Britain’s most eminent scientists, has warned that the level of inbreeding among the nation’s Muslims is endangering the health of future generations.
Professor  Steve Jones
Professor Steve Jones gives The John Maddox Lecture at the Hay Festival  
Photo: CLARA MOLDEN 
By Jonathan Wynne-Jones Religious Affairs Correspondent

The geneticist said that it was common in the Islamic world for men to marry their nieces and cousins.
He said that Bradford has a particular problem and warned that it could affect the health of children born into these marriages.
Prof Jones, who lectures at University College London, is likely to find himself at the centre of controversy in the wake of the comments.
Similar remarks made by Phil Woolas, a Labour environment minister, in 2008 resulted in calls for him to be sacked from the government.
Prof Jones, who writes for the Telegraph’s science pages, told an audience at the Hay Festival: “There may be some evidence that cousins marrying one another can be harmful.
“It is common in the Islamic world to marry your brother’s daughter, which is actually closer than marrying your cousin.
“We should be concerned about that as there can be a lot of hidden genetic damage. Children are much more likely to get two copies of a damaged gene.”
He added: “Bradford is very inbred. There is a huge amount of cousins marrying each other there.” Research in Bradford has found that babies born to Pakistani women are twice as likely to die in their first year as babies born to white mothers, with genetic problems linked to inbreeding identified as a “significant” cause.
Studies have found that within the city, more than 70 per cent of marriages are between relations, with more than half involving first cousins.
Separate studies have found that while British Pakistanis make up three per cent of all births, they account for one in three British children born with genetic illnesses. Prof Jones also said that incest was more common than is often realised in every part of society, adding that it had been particular prevalent among royalty and suggested it is still ­continuing.
“Royal families are the human equivalent of fruit flies because they do all the sexual experiments you can think of and there are some examples of inbreeding.
“Royalty did it to keep the heritage within the family line.
“Inbreeding doesn’t apply particularly to our own royal family, but there is some.”
He explained that Prince Charles and Diana could both be traced back to Edward I, with Prince Charles being able to do this through 3,000 “lines” – overlapping connections between people in his family tree – and his former wife being able to do it through 4,000, making the Princess of Wales “from stronger aristocratic heritage” than her husband.
“Their parents had much ancestry in common,” he said.
“We are all more incestuous than we realise.
“In Northern Ireland lots of people share the same surname which suggests a high level of inbreeding.
“There’s a lot of surname diversity in London but if you look at the Outer Herbrides there are rather fewer surnames in relation to the number of people.”

Source: Telegraph - May 29, 2011

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

'Obedient Wives' In Nepal

Rural Communities In Nepal Lack Family Planning Options, Awareness 

In Dhading, a district not far from Nepal’s capital city, one woman conceived more than 25 times in 30 years. Because of a lack of family planning awareness in rural communities, women have little say in the number of children they have, even if it jeopardizes their physical health. After a stranger heard about her case on the radio, he paid for a lifesaving operation. Today, she is an advocate for contraception and family planning awareness in rural Nepal.

by Kamala Gautam  

DHADING, NEPAL – Hem Kumari Chepang, 42, has given birth to more than 20 children during the last 30 years.

“Have as many children as you can,” she says her husband, Hari Chepang, 50, told her. “I will feed you [and the children], and [if you die in the process] I will take care of your cremation.”

The Chepangs are residents of Dhading, a district just 75 kilometers west of Kathmandu, the capital. In Kathmandu, thousands of people acquire family planning and maternal and child health care services every day. But Chepang says she has never been to the city, let alone obtained any of the family planning services there.

Orphaned as a child, Chepang married her husband 30 years ago at age 12. She says she was working as a housemaid and he, 20 at the time and also working as house help, promised to take care of her.

Within a year of their marriage, Chepang gave birth to her first child, which survived for only four months. She says she believed at the time that giving birth to one child after another – with some surviving and some not – was a natural phenomenon after marriage. In all, Chepang conceived 26 times.

“Some died in the womb, some within a few days of their birth and some after six months,” she says.

Only two of the babies Chepang has given birth to are alive today – a son and a daughter, who is deaf.

In addition to the multiple births, Chepang says that she often had no help during labor.

“One of my sons was positioned ectopically in the womb,” she says. “His hands came out first, and I tugged him out myself. The placenta followed, and I almost died with the pain.”

After her 23rd child, she suffered from uterine prolapse, a condition when the uterus slips down from its normal position. She began to bleed regularly and suffer from dizziness and pain. But she continued to give birth. Her condition worsened, and her movement was limited to dragging herself to the toilet when necessary.

Chepang’s physical condition also kept her from helping her husband with the housework. She says her husband had to single-handedly take care of the cattle, the fields and the housework while Chepang watched helplessly.

Although Chepang’s case is not the norm in Nepal, the average number of children born by a single mother is still high in rural areas.

A lack of awareness of family planning options in rural communities often leads to more births than women say their bodies can withstand. The government and nongovernmental organizations, NGOs, here have started to disseminate family planning information to rural communities. But many women say that even with this knowledge, their families and cultural beliefs stand in the way of taking advantage of available options.

The total fertility rate, or births per woman, in Nepal fell from 6.3 in 1976 to 3.1 in 2006 because of campaigning and promotion of family planning, according to a 2009 report by the Family Planning Association of Nepal, FPAN, a national NGO. The contraceptive prevalence rate, the percentage of women or their partners using contraception, increased from 26 percent in 1996 to 44 percent in 2006, according to the latest Nepal Demographic and Health Survey, NDHS.  

But the FPAN report also notes that although the fertility rate in urban areas of Nepal has declined to two children for each set of parents, it is still high in rural areas. The contraceptive prevalence rate is also lower in rural areas than in urban areas.

Aswini Rana, an FPAN counselor, says that family planning is a challenge in rural areas.

“It is still a big challenge to effectively spread awareness of family planning in the rural, remote and socially backward societies of Nepal,” Rana says. “There is a dearth of family planning services, methods and devices at the health posts situated in the rural areas.” 

Chepang says that her husband once had to carry her for more than an hour to reach a health post. But she says the health post staff hesitated to touch her. Rana attributes this reluctance to the lack of necessary knowledge, skills and resources needed to handle such maternity health complications at rural health posts.

Chepang’s village is less than a three-hour drive from Kathmandu, with its myriad of hospitals and health facilities that promote family planning and provide care for pregnant women. Yet the lack of health services and awareness of family planning in Chepang’s community, the Chepangs, one of the most socially excluded and “backward” indigenous communities of Nepal, seems worlds away.

Although there has been a decline in unmet needs when it comes to family planning in Nepal, there is still a geographical disparity, according to the NDHS. Three-fourths of women in urban areas of Nepal said their needs were met, compared with less than two-thirds of women in rural areas.

But Dr. Kiran Regmi, director of the Family Health Division under the Department of Health Services, says Chepang’s case is an exception and that she is optimistic about the increasing awareness of family planning in Nepal.

“We have started to promote appropriate methods of family planning targeted towards those who do not understand and are hence averse to surgical measures of family planning,” Regmi says.   

Family planning services used to only be available in the Kathmandu Valley, according to the NDHS. But thanks to FPAN, the Nepal Family Planning and Maternal Child Health Project was established at government level in 1968 and has gradually expanded to cover all of Nepal’s districts since then.

Temporary methods, such as male condoms and contraceptive pills, are now available at national, regional, zonal and district hospitals; health care centers; and health posts and sub-health posts; according to the NDHS. But more long-term services, such as Norplant implants, IUD insertions and sterilization, are only available in certain districts.

Sagar Dahal, the Family Health Division’s senior public health administrator, says that the governmental department has started to work on guidelines for how to make family planning services more available in rural areas, especially among indigenous groups. But he says this will take time.

“This will take about six to seven months, and the government plans to take the rural family planning program ahead on the basis of those guidelines,” he says.

But women say that even when they do become aware of family planning options, many times cultural beliefs and family members stand in the way.

One mother, Sumitra Pulami Magar, 33, of Balajor, a village in southeastern Nepal, says that she has been using a temporary contraceptive, an injection that she must receive every three months, for the past four years. But her husband, Balkrishna Pulami Magar, says they can’t tell his mother, who objects to family planning.

“After the first two children, I had said we must take permanent measures of family planning, but my mother was not happy with the decision,” he says. “After that, we had two more children and the responsibilities also increased, and my wife and I decided to start on the contraceptive measures without informing my mother.”

The radio is the most popular outlet for family planning messages in rural areas, with televisions, billboards, and newspapers and magazines much less common than in urban areas, according to the NDHS. But still, family members and communities disapprove.

Sarita Tamang, 27, from the same district as Chepang, says her body is tired after giving birth to three daughters and that she learned from radio announcements that contraceptives could prevent her from having more children. But she says that women in her village, who usually deliver their babies at home, are too shy and embarrassed to go to the local health post to obtain contraceptives. Plus, she says her husband still yearns for a male heir.

“What can I do?” she asks. “My husband has said that he needs a son anyhow.”

Chepang says that she also learned about an operation that can stop future pregnancies on the radio. But she says that when she asked her husband to take her to the city to get the operation, he told her that showing her private parts to others was shameful.

Chepang resigned herself to immobility until a stranger got involved after he heard Chepang’s story on the radio, thanks to a youth from her village. The listener, Kiran Gautam, assistant inspector general of the police, contacted the radio station and said he wanted to pay for Chepang to have the operation. 

“When I heard about her condition, I felt very sorry for her,” Gautam says. “I immediately called up the radio station and made arrangements for her treatment.”

He says her story made him realize that women in Nepal deserve more respect.

“Seeing a woman, who is barely 50, in such a state and knowing how she was compelled to lead this life of pain, I realized that the status of women in Nepal is still very lamentable,” he says.

Thanks to Gautam's support, Chepang’s uterus was surgically removed in a hospital in a neighboring district last year. She now leads a healthy life and is able to go about her daily activities.


by Michelle Finotto
"I had given myself up for dead. "

”I had given myself up for dead and never believed that I could lead a normal life ever again,” Chepang says, smiling. “I feel like I have been given a new lease to life by God himself.”

Chepang now does her part to promote family planning by advising younger women in her village to not bear too many children.

“Sasu-aama [mother-in-law] has advised me not to have more than two children,” Chepang’s daughter-in-law, Sharmila, says shyly.

Source: Global Press Institute - Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Saturday, February 26, 2011

His Pleading Silent Heart Whispers


Life's now a struggle
Sobriety stumbles
Separation a silent killer
That numbs healer
The bitterness refuse to go
When the heart at its low
Relationship hallucinated
Love cemented
Marriage perfected
Alas, the characters...limited
Bond... why the distance?
Feeling... why the hesitance?
Why you are pushed away
By the ego that gets into my way

Why am I not listening
Why am I always pushing
Now the heartbreaking
Attraction repels
God, living is hell
Destruction
Depression
Separation
Feeling down
Daily frown
Why the abandon
Me too dependent 
Why the broken deal
The breakaway sees no heal
Dark moments of real pain
Of loss, of sadness, no one gain
The fun in the fuss
Faith, why can't you last
Why can't we just be happy
Miss the family
Miss back together You and Me
Intervention please
Touch the pleas
Is there an answer
Can the feeling be better? 
You, the hearer 
God, hear the prayer.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Taxi - His Working Wife, Please Be Home, Now!

"Pergi mana, yang?"
Something not right ringing in my ears as I answered CIQ.
"Kerja petang ya, yang?"
"Taklah, tak kerja." It was 3.30pm when I boarded the taxi.
"Habis, pergi Singapore buat apa kalau tak kerja?"
"Saja, jalan-jalan."
"Ustazah ya yang?"
"Taklah, duduk rumak saja."
"Betul bukan ustazah? Macam ustazah aje. Ada anak yang?"
"Ada."
"Dah besar?"
"Dah besar, sangat-sangat."
"Betul ke dah besar? Tak macam ada anak besar, je. Awak ibu tunggal, ya yang" For the umpteenth time, he's been adjusting and re-adjusting the mirror in front of him for better rear view.
"Taklah."
"Kenapa tak jalan dengan suami?"
"Kerja." I started to feel very much uneasy.
"Bila balik yang?"
"Habis jalan, baliklah."
"Pukul berapa yang?"
"Tak pasti, jam ke tidak."
"Bukan ibu tunggal ke yang? Macam ibu tunggal je. Pukul sepuluh dah balik yang?"
"Tak pasti, jam ke tidak."
"Telepon saya boleh? Saya tunggu," Then he said out his phone number.  

****** 

"Rumah kat mana?" My turn to ask him to stop his yang, yang, yang that makes hair stands.
"Kat Bukit xxxxx. Pernah dengar tempatnya?" 
"Pernah." 
"Tau tempatnya?"
"Tau dan pernah pergi." 
"Rumah saya besar. Ada empat bilik. Cantik rumah saya."
"Orang rumah ada kat rumah?" I tried to remind him he has someone dearest in his life.
"Taklah, dia kerja."
"Rumah cantik, tapi orang rumah keluar kerja. Rugilah tak boleh nekmat cantiknya."
"Malam jangan lupa telepon tau." Again, he said out the number.
"Anak berapa?"
"Lima. Semua dah kerja. Ramai eh, anak saya."
"Taklah, sepuluh pun ok kalau kita didik betul-betul."
"Sebenarnya anak saya lapan, bukan lima. Malu nak cakap, ramai sangat." He chuckled upon admission. 
"Pada saya tak ramai. Anak dah besar, semua kerja, kenapa orang rumah kerja lagi? Kalaulah rumah saya cantik sangat, keluar rumah pun saya tak nak. Nak duduk dalam saja. Rugi tinggalkan lama-lama rumah cantik."
"Orang rumah saya kerja kemas-kemas bilik hotel. Balik sebulan sekali."
"Hah?" I was surprised upon hearing the once a month coming home.
"Dia kerja kat Singapore." It surprised me more. Just across the causeway. 
"Ramai kerja kat Singapore, tapi saya nampak dia orang hari-hari balik."
"Dia kerja dekat dengan Orchard Road."
"Taklah jauh sangat kalau nak balik. Senang naik MRT sampai Kranji. Hotel apa tu?"
"xxxx xxxxx. Pernah dengar hotel tu?"
"Pernah."
"Semua awak tau, ya yang. Agak-agak pukul sebelas dah balik? Saya tunggu. Kalau malam saya selalu ada dekat dengan CIQ. Saya round satu Johor makan-makan."
"Kalau orang rumah ada kan boleh bawak dia makan. Anak tak masak?" This man is damn lonely.
"Anak semua kat Singapore. Sebulan sekali balik. Dengan emaknya sekali. Dia orang semua bawak kereta besar-besar."

Then he mentioned various places in the central and eastern side of Singapore where his children are staying. They will return to JB with their mother, a Singaporean, before coming back again the following month.

An ex navy who used to serve KD Malaya in Woodlands, he used to dive looking for treasures from shipwreck, and he is still diving for the treasures, which he is unable to bring them home.

He said there are aplenty at the seabed which he mentioned a specific beach in Johor.
He offered me bronze and porcelain.

But in between the conversations, there were many pleadings to use his taxi service, reminding me of his phone number, kept insisting that I'm a religious teacher and a single mother.

"Dahlah, cakap orang rumah tak payah kerja lagi. Duduk rumah lagi bagus, tengok rumah cantik, sayang tinggal-tinggalkan." I tried to hint the importance of his wife's presence and togetherness in his life.

"Itulah, rumah saya selalu kosong. Sebab itu kalau awak balik 2 pagi pun saya boleh tunggu. Nanti telepon ya, yang."

When the usual fare is around RM9.00, it was RM12.00 yesterday, as he was too absorbed looking for companion. 

"Kenapa macam nak lari? Jangan lupa telepon tau. Pukul 10 saya dah ada, tunggu  kat sini, ya yang," as passed me his phone number.

I alighted the taxi with soft limbs and shakened.


Last night, the incident led to me having a bad dream of the outcome of hopefulness and frustration of  his deserted inner soul.

Should any drastic action is taken by this 'angau' driver, and crime committed, situation at home needs a good reflection.
Contemplation is very much needed.

Marriage is between two parties.
Physical presence is very important.
Yes, absent makes the heart grows fonder.
But too long, grave consequences do usually cross the paths.

The longer the marriage is, sense of loss is always felt.
Whenever the other half is not around, funny feeling is there whenever we go around alone, by ourselves.
The invisible attachment is always there.

******

"And among HIS Signs is This, 
that HE Created for you, 
mates from among yourselves, 
that you may dwell in tranquility with them, 
and HE has put love and mercy between your hearts. 
Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." 
- Surah Ar Rum: 21.

******

Girls, daughters, wives, mothers, grandmothers and all readers, money provides us great living comfort, but there's thing that money can't buy.

Wives, you have children, who will have their other halves.
They will have their own lives.

Wives, your husbands are the other half of yours - Complete them.
Live your lives, you and spouse.
That's complete living.

*** Another pining heart is here.    


  

      

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Finding A Suitor - Should I? Should I Not?

A mother in China uploaded a video of her 26-year old daughter walking out of a shower with intention to find prospective boyfriends for her.

When asked about her requirements for a boyfriend, the daughter replies:

“I’m all right, as long as (he) is nice to you (the mother) and nice to me. That’s enough.’’

******

I was at My Sister's place yesterday, when She popped a question of any suitable suitor for a 30-year old secondary school teacher.

The mother is worried as the teacher, the eldest in the family, will be left on the shelf.
Most cousins of hers around her age, are already with toddlers.
I had just met her less than a week ago in Simei.
Her demure nature and politeness, paled my existence.
All I can say, she has a very big heart, accepting things as they come.

She is the backbone of the family as the father is sick.
She shoulder the responsibility as a breadwinner and a big sister to another five siblings.
Unlike her other sisters, she has almost no social life, given the heavy responsibility on her shoulders.
She knew she has to set good example to her siblings.
Her life revolves around school and family.

Not that she has had no suitor, but unfortunately, they (I knew some of them), appeared less than satisfactory, not 'marriage material'.
She just needs a balanced practicing man.

Her sister, the second in the family, is about to get engaged.
The mother is trying hard to ask her second daughter, a teacher too, to hold on to the engagement date.

******


Should I, or should I not give a word or two?
She, a U grad, and myself, a graduate of u-never-study school, met My Husband not long after My 'O' Level, them married Him, because His character is almost like My Late Father whom I highly look upon, despite the difference in race and nationality.

There was no pre-marriage class to attend then, and soon, I had packed up to stay in a foreign place that gave My Parents headache with many up north husbands left wives, children and families upon expiring working contract in Singapore.
Maybe it's the reason that I gave others enough headache and heartache, that I have no regret to the chosen path as I have little (GOD willing) headache and heartache, myself.

******

There was once when I was entangled in a group of about six U grads, discussing of what to do with one of the members' marriage, on the verge of breakdown - Three of them were single parents.
I tried to reason, marriage solution is unlike solving Maths, where there must be an answer to every problem.
Proving right or wrong can be crucial - Just compromise and play along the line.
Some strings need to be pulled and some, we can pretend it does not exist at all.

Most men (not all) are known mess makers.
It already helps a lot when they do not mess around the house.
And it is a bonus if they give a helping hand.
Some men do not see the reason why they need to help out at home.
And some working wives I know, have to prepare food once she return home, beside attending to the children's needs.
It is most frustrating when their husbands left the dining table after meals, without helping out with the dirty plates.

But these logic women's minds group together, they want comrades in marriage.
In partnership, roles need to be executed, to be equally shared. 
Learning and understanding married life is not through one's experience and flexibility, but books and seminars.
Black is black and white is white.
No grey area for that matter.
Maybe I'm shallow in my thinking, just drifting along where the wind blows.

All I can do at that time, was looking at their innocent kids faces at play, oblivion to their mothers' conversations.
The 7-year marriage, despite best minds put together, sadly fall apart.
From then on, I was usually hesitant to answer when asked by the educated about advise on staying married.

For me, not highly educated is a sore point too, much as being highly educated.

******

While these girls work on their personal goals, many of them had lower their standards for the sake of avoiding lifelong loneliness.
And a startling number are paving their way to spinsterhood.

My Sister's friend, an ex-secondary school teacher with handsome gratuity payment said, she wish not being single all her life.
But of course, she would not cheapened herself stooping so low in finding a husband.

One of her friend, an active personality in education, married a man I knew since childhood, who was only village-schooled.
The man's father favoured the older son, being more intelligent and good looking.
While the older brother attended school, the man had to hawk around the village, selling noodle, "mee rebus", which I used to buy.
While the older brother enjoying his youth, the man had to find money to put his only brother and two sisters in school. 
While the older brother get to choose his bride, the man's bride was match-made.

While the older brother lives in flat, the man lives in condo, with his very educated, active wife and grownup children.
All these, despite the village-schooled man, to my knowledge, now is just an ordinary worker with the Ministry of Environment.

******

Who do not want to be part of the “wedding club”?
My Sister's friend asked us cautiously.

When she saw her siblings' children are now with their own children, of course, her feeling was pressurised.
"For whatever outcome, better or worse, getting married and wanting to be in the marriage circle is in everybody's mind," she said.
The built-in intense desire is always there, at the back of everybody's mind.
But for suitable suitors came knocking, the availability left to be wondered -  
“Where are they, decent suitors?”

Are men still maintaining traditional ideas as the best type of wife suited to them are just like their mothers were?
Are all men looking for the same ideal type of comforting, shy, obedient and submissive wives? 
The lack of noteworthy male suitors, put some aspiring wives to frustration.

Some girls wondered, if indeed, their degrees and careers are getting in the way of meeting Mr Right?
Are they being penalised for being too educated and successful in getting into good paid jobs?
Not that they shun marriage, but they were kept busy working on their education, then career took off.

That is usually when parents realised, their children are no more small kids.
They are at the age when these parents, at their children's age, the hands were full with raising kids and families' commitment.

******

With the current circumstances at hand, My Sister's friend is being realistic - She cannot have all the cake and enjoy it herself.
All her younger life was focused on upgrading herself for betterment in her job that she had little time to meet people.
Now, she is staying in a private housing, travelled the world, spent most Ramadhans in the holy lands and used to drive expensive cars.
But since she opted early retirement due to work fatigue, she enjoys the public transport more, although she still maintains her lifestyle.

******

I have a friend, when in her early 30s, she married a wheel-chaired man, almost ten years her junior.

Another friend, she only met her husband on their marriage solemnisation day , although they had known each other for two-years through chatting online.
The husband is a university lecturer in one of the African country.
Despite his profession, their several marriage request was turned down by the Singapore government, but they went ahead with the marriage.
She stayed back in Singapore with her kid while he continues teaching.
It's a relief to know their marriage sailed smoothly, and they never give up requesting for the man's stay in Singapore.

I have known a number of girls marrying Turkish men had their husbands become Singaporeans.

******

Education and marriage are not necessarily conflicting, although both are time consuming.
Both education and marriage can flourish simultaneously, although much sacrifices are needed.
If self can be tuned to us, with the right spouse, both can continue.
Cherish The Idea.

The longer marriage is delayed in favour of education, the ticking biological time bomb is wasting away.
The bringing up of children requires great physical energy and providing them with sound education requires great finance, translating to the breadwinners' good health in bringing home the dough.
Give It A Second Thought.

Can the self, the segregated you and I becomes us?
The Family?
Can the material chase be reduced to having a decent flat to stay and having food on the table?

Room for potentiality growth is big and room for material collection is enormous.

When both husband and wife accept and respect one another’s ambitions and priorities in life, marriage is not about putting a shackle on one person, nor a prison on another...

******
"And among HIS Signs is This, 
that HE Created for you, 
mates from among yourselves, 
that you may dwell in tranquility with them, 
and HE has put love and mercy between your hearts. 
Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." 
- Surah Ar Rum: 21.

******

Read: 'I Would Have Given Up My Career To Save My Marriage' - Madeleine Albright

Saturday, February 5, 2011

When Siblings Madly Fall For Each Other

It was in the late 70s or early 80s.
Susan, who was engaged to be married, suddenly fled with Beng, her old flame.
They were said off to California to register their union as husband and wife, away from parents and family members.
That was what as being told by Tan, her then-current fiance.

Tan was desperately looking for her everywhere, and dropped by at our working place, hoping that Susan showed up at work.
But she had been absent for more than a week.
She did no call up and during that time, there was no other way to contact her, unless to her house.

Wedding was less than two weeks away but Tan did not rejoice his big day although staff knew he was more madly in love with Susan, way much more than her feeling for him.

******

Being an only child, Susan was showered with immense love from her parents and from Beng, her first love, when he appeared into her life.
After two years of courtship, Beng brought Susan home to meet his parents who had moved to Telok Blangah too.
When the parents from both sides met for marriage discussion, that was the time when history unfolds itself.
It was tragic for Beng to know that Susan is his blood sister that he deeply loves as his true lover.
He packed up, headed to one of the Middle Eastern country to work.

Susan was born in Pulau Blakang Mati into a very big family of thirteen siblings.
She was given away as a newborn, to a childless couple in Telok Blangah, not far from Pulau Blakang Mati, which is now renamed Sentosa Island.

She used to get everything she wanted from her adoptive parents, but unfateful event took its turn.
She lost what she needed - the man of her life.
It took Susan three years to heal.

She then met Tan, the eldest son of a successful entrepreneur.
They were engaged after a year of knowing each other.
Tan knew her background.
He tried hard to make her forgetting the past, up to the point of what we see, as spoiling her.
He showered her with at least two boutique dresses each month, and other female stuff.
He present himself every night to send her home, or she would threw a rage.
He caved into her demands.
But what irked us most, was when Susan pride herself to easily fool and henpecked Tan.
She was convinced of her right to domineering his social life.

We felt sorry for Tan to make himself easily pushed around by Susan.
But no matter how bad we feel for him, maybe he had his valid reason to let himself to be in the situation.

Beng returned to Singapore after being informed of his sister's wedding.
It was close to five-years since he last met Susan, and assumed everything will turn out fine.

But during those time in the Middle East, he could find no girls to heal his bruised heart.
And when Susan knew of his return, she went up to him, wanting him to continue where he punctuated their love-life...

*** Some Changes Made

******

Forbidden Love Of The Brother And Sister

Had it stopped at an appropriate point, the story of Patrick Stuebing and Susan Karolewski could have been poignant and moving.
Separated by adoption in their native East Germany, the siblings met for the first time in 2000 when Patrick tracked down his birth mother and the younger sister he had never met.
If their mother, Ana Marie, were alive today, however, she would, in all likelihood, be wishing her estranged son had never found his way home.
Because for the past seven years, brother and sister have been lovers. In that time they have had four children together - two of whom are mentally and physically disabled and all of whom are now in care.
And despite the fact that 29-year-old Stuebing, an unemployed locksmith, has already served two jail sentences for committing incest with his sister, now aged 22, the couple defiantly refuse to give each other up.
The disturbing story of their twisted relationship emerged this week as the pair announced plans to take their case to Germany's highest legal body, the Constitutional Court, in a bid to legalise their shocking union.
Astonishingly, they are doing so despite the fact that two of their children can barely walk or talk. Experts believe that such birth defects are caused by inbreeding.
But in a case that could have ramifications across Europe, and which has been presented by liberal sympathisers as a romantic battle against oppression, the pair argue that they are being denied the right to sexual freedom.
"We do not feel guilty about what has happened between us," they announced in a statement. "We want the law which makes incest a crime to be abolished."
To most people, this would seem to be an open and shut case. And yet, because Germany's laws on incest were introduced by the Nazis, they are an easy target for Left-wing groups who can conveniently argue that they are nothing more than an extension of the Third Reich's Aryan racial hygiene laws.
Such groups argue that the laws should be overturned in favour of freedom of choice and sexual determination. Or, as the couple's lawyer, Endrik Wilhelm, puts it: "Everyone should be able to do what he wants as long as it doesn't harm others."
But many say the practice of incest does harm others. Children born as a result of incest are at an increased risk of developing severe mental and physical disabilities. Incest laws are seen as a deterrent and help prevent children being born with the disabilities that result from genetic defects and inbreeding.
Back in Germany, the story has provoked moral and scientific outrage.
"When siblings have a child together, there is only a 50 per cent chance that it will be healthy when it is born," Jurgen Kunze, professor of human genetics at Berlin's Charite hospital, told one newspaper.
German newspapers mockingly call them the "forbidden lovers of the Fatherland" but, clutching each other on the sofa at their home in the small village of Grossdalzig near Leipzig, the pair insist they couldn't help themselves.
"We didn't know each other in childhood," says Susan. "It's not the same for us. We fell in love as adults and our love is real. There is nothing we could do about it. We were both attracted to each other and then nature took over from us. It was that simple. What else could we do? We followed our instincts and our hearts."
In fact, as the Mail has discovered, the details of the relationship make uncomfortable reading. Stuebing was the third of eight children born into a poor, uneducated, dysfunctional family. His violent father, now dead, attacked him with a knife when he was three and he was made a ward of court and then adopted. Susan was born into the same unhappy family - on the same day her parents' divorce was finalised.
Her childhood was unspeakably deprived. Her chain-smoking, unemployed mother often left her at home alone, or entertained lovers while she was there. Poorly educated and barely able to write, even today, Susan remembers being unloved and a burden to her mother.
Six other brothers and sisters, some of whom were born with disabilities, died in childhood. One was run over and killed age seven.
Another mentally handicapped sister died age eight. Susan was close to one of her disabled brothers, Andre, but he died in the same year as her mother.
When Stuebing was 18 he decided to find his biological parents. Four years later he tracked down his mother and discovered Susan. He moved in, and, astonishingly, Ana Marie allowed him to share her young daughter's bedroom.
"We both stayed up late into the night to talk to each other about our hopes and dreams," he says.
Six months later, Ana Marie died of a heart attack. Susan was relying more and more on her brother. It is not hard to see how she might have confused such dependency on her brother with love as she struggled to cope without her mother.
In her own words: "Trust grew into a different type of love when our mother died six months later."
Taking into account her lack of education, it is perhaps not surprising. She left school at 15 with no formal qualifications. A reporter who visited her at her home spoke of her obsessive nail biting and the simple way in which she spoke.
The bond appeared to develop out of dependency on Susan's part and perhaps a need to be respected and in charge on Stuebing's.
He says: "I became head of the family and I had to protect my sister. She is very sensitive but we helped each other during this very difficult period and eventually that relationship became physical."
Despite already having experienced a normal relationship with a woman, he insists: "We didn't even know we were doing anything wrong when we started sleeping together. We didn't think about using a condom. We didn't know it was illegal to sleep together.
"Our mother would not have approved, but the only ones who should judge us now is us."
In October 2001, aged just 16, Susan gave birth to a baby boy, Erik. He was taken into care and now - aged five and living with foster parents in Potsdam - can hardly walk or speak properly.
Sarah, now four, was born in 2003 and suffers similar disabilities. She was also taken into care, as was Nancy, nearly three, who appears to be normal. Sophia, now two, was born while Stuebing was in prison.
Under the care of German social services, Susan tried to hide the pregnancy by wearing baggy clothes. She gave birth alone in the bath. Stuebing has since been sterilised in the mistaken belief that if he has no more children with his sister, he will evade jail. And yet both are apparently in denial about their children's disabilities, despite expert opinion.
"Two of our children are disabled," says Stuebing. "But that is not necessarily anything to do with the fact that we are siblings. There are other disabled people in our family. We had six brothers and sisters who did not survive in some cases because they were disabled."
The pair were tried for incest in 2002. The district court in Leipzig heard how from January 2001 until August 2001, Stuebing "had sexual intercourse with his sister 16 times. Only at the beginning did the accused bother using condoms".
Stuebing received a year's suspended jail term after being found guilty on all counts. Susan, then 17, was treated as a juvenile and placed into the care of youth services.
But after the birth of two more children, the court was not so lenient. Stuebing was eventually sentenced to ten months in prison.
They found themselves in court again in 2005 on account of their other daughters and Stuebing was sentenced to two and a half years for re-committing incest.
When he was taken to jail, a tearful Susan told German newspapers she could not live without him. Stuebing threatened to commit suicide. Yet while the brother was locked up, the sister conceived a fifth child by another man.
Even so, upon Stuebing's release, she gushed to German reporters: "I'm so happy Patrick is here and that I have him again. I need him."
Stuebing in turn told the cameras: "I am doing well. I will always be there for Susan and the children."
They have been living together, but he has one year and five months of his sentence still open, and as he is openly back with his sister, he will be jailed again and again unless he can overturn German law.
"We are challenging this law because we do not want to be separated ever again," he says from the two-bedroom council flat where they live with Susan's latest child and a dog called Tyson.
Incredibly, the couple even argue that they might not have had so many children if the first hadn't been taken away. Stuebing says: "The younger children might not have been born had they not taken the first one from us. We just want to make sure that we don't lose everything again."
He and his sister visit their son Erik in care. He adds: "When you see your child being looked after by someone else when they should be with you, that's hard for any parent to bear. So if he is handicapped, well, that is all the more reason we should be able to look after him."
They also talk about wanting their oldest daughter Sarah back with them, but are happy for the others to remain with foster parents. "It would all be too much and we do not have enough room," says Susan, adding with unwitting irony. "We want to do what is best for them."
It is clear she is still utterly dependent on her brother. At home, she likes to read teenage magazines and watch Germany's version of Big Brother.
"When I go to the shops in the village, all the little boys call me rude names," she says. "But I can bear it all as long as Patrick is with me."
Stuebing admits he underwent a vasectomy in the hope it would mean he could live with his sister without fear of further prosecution.
"There is no reason for them to jail me now," he says. "I do not want to go back to jail and I know we will never voluntarily leave each other. If anyone doubts our love they should just see we will not be kept apart."
Few people would see this as a compelling argument to keep him out of prison. But while incest is one of the few remaining sexual taboos, in legal terms, at least, Europe remains divided. France's incest laws were abolished in 1810 by Napoleon. It is also not illegal in the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg, Portugal or Turkey.
But in Britain, incest remains forbidden. The law was extended in 2002 to cover not just blood relatives but also step parents and children and cases of adoption.
If ever there was an argument for retaining incest laws, the story of Patrick Stuebing and his sister Susan Karolewski is surely it.
It is almost inevitable that when Germany's highest court decides on this case in around six weeks time, it will uphold its incest laws and send Stuebing back to jail.
It is a prospect Susan is distraught about. "We want our children back to raise them as a proper family," she says. "We love each other," she adds naively. "Surely that is all that matters?"
In the end, of course, the unfortunate children who have resulted from this twisted union matter far more. Whatever happens, they will have to live with the stigma of their parentage for the rest of their lives.

Source: Dailymail - March 1, 2007

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Jangan Cakap Habis - What Goes Around, Comes Around

"Cili ini pedas tak?"

"Sambal mestilah pedas." I replied to my youngest brother's question at a birthday celebration in my elder sister's house last Saturday. 

"Sorry, tak boleh habiskan sambal ni. Pedas sangat." I surrendered of having to finish up the meal.
The cili was definitely too hot for me.

"Tulah, lain kali jangan cakap habis. Kita ingat lagi, Makcik Johor yang kita pergi rumahnya, banyak kali cakap - Jangan cakap habis." 
So all those while my youngest brother was listening to what the lady, my eldest brother's ex-neighbour, was saying.
When the lady was talking to my eldest sister, he was glued to the tv set.

******

I wasn't close to the person whom the lady was referring to, although my eldest sister used to mention the person to me.
The person, *Ros was, and is a person who sets a certain standard and perfection - and nothing else.

For her marriage then, all bridal accessories, dais, and gowns were brand new.
Totally new clothing in her wardrobe too. 
I was still in school then, so what my sister said did not make any difference to me.

Not long after I stay in JB in the 80s, I was informed that *Ros had sold her house in Singapore and was making arrangement to move to the new house in Taman in JB.
By then, I had heard more of her.

A classy people as *Ros, would want to trouble herself with the chaotic Causeway?
Travelling almost 30km to school daily?
Then, in the 90s, I used to meet her at Komtar.
I had to choose my words when talking to her.

When one of those meeting day at the Komtar bus-stop she did tell me that she's no more married, I did not ask why.
I heard the news quite sometime already.

Almost everybody pointed fingers at *Ros - Not that her husband refuse to work, but he simply could not get any job since the 80s retrenchment.
A Singapore permanent resident, he brought his family back to his country of birth - Malaysia.
Not wanting to be further humiliated after more than ten years being a house-husband, he moved back to his late parents' three-acres land - staying alone all by himself.

"Siapa kahwin yang *Ros suka? 
Semua dia tak suka. Ada aje cacat cela laki orang. 
Kakak kahwin lagilah dia tak suka. 
Lagilah kakak kahwin bukan suka sama suka." 

Yes, the lady knew she was very much older than her husband and she doubt if her marriage could last very long.
But the early 20s Malaysian man insisted on marrying her.
She abide her mother's wish in not wanting to see her becoming an old spinster, already in her late 20s.
 
After more than thirty-years of marriage and she has five children who love the mother dearly, she knew at least she's in a safe net now, than before.

*Ros did not like the lady's husband because he was a labourer building HDB flats when marrying the lady.

*Ros did not like her sisters' husbands too who's just so-so in her eyes.

Fast forward, when all marriages intact, *Ros's marriage to the most perfect husband,  crumbled...          

Friday, October 15, 2010

Love's Not Only In The Air, It's Underground, Too

Pain  

Love Can Ease Pain,  Say Brain Researchers
Researchers believe love can act as a painkiller
Love hurts, at least according to many a romantic songwriter, but it may also help ease pain, US scientists suggest.
Brain scans suggest many of the areas normally involved in pain response are also activated by amorous thoughts.
Stanford University researchers gave 15 students mild doses of pain, while checking if they were distracted by gazing at photos of their beloved.
The study focused on people early in a romance, journal PLoS One reported, so the "drug of love" may wear off.
The scientists who carried out the experiment used "functional magnetic resonance imaging" (fMRI) to measure activity in real-time in different parts of the brain.
It has been known for some time that strong feelings of love are linked to intense activity in several different brain regions.
These include areas linked to the brain chemical dopamine, which produces the brain's feel-good state following certain stimulants - from eating sweets to taking cocaine.
"Light up" The Stanford University researchers had noticed that when we feel pain, some of the same areas "light up" on the scans - and wondered whether one might affect the other.
They recruited a dozen students who were all in the first nine months of a relationship, defined as "the first phase of intense love".
Each was asked to bring in a picture of the object of their affection and photos of what they deemed an equally attractive acquaintance.
While their brains were scanned, they were shown these pictures, while a computer controlled heat pad placed in the palm of their hand was set up to cause them mild pain.
They found that viewing the picture of their beloved reduced perceptions of pain much more than looking at the image of the acquaintance.
Dr Jarred Younger, one of the researchers involved, said that the "love-induced analgesia" appeared to involve more primitive functions of the brain, working in a similar way to opioid painkillers.
"One of the key sites is the nucleus accumbens, a key reward addiction centre for opioids, cocaine and other drugs of abuse.
"The region tells the brain that you really need to keep doing this."
Professor Paul Gilbert, a neuropsychologist from the University of Derby, said that the relationship between emotional states and the perception of pain was clear.
He said: "One example is a footballer who has suffered quite a painful injury, but who is able to continue playing because of his emotionally charged state."
He added that while the effect noticed by the Stanford researchers might only be short-lived in the early stages of a love affair, it may well be replaced by something similar later in a relationship, with a sense of comfort and wellbeing generating the release of endorphins.
"It's important to recognise that people who feel alone and depressed may have very low pain thresholds, whereas the reverse can be true for people who feel secure and cared for.
"This may well be an issue for the health service, as patients are sometimes rushed through the system, and perhaps there isn't this focus on caring that might have existed once."

******

The rescue operation of 33 ordinary men whose extraordinary survival story had riveted the world.

Trapped beneath the Chilean earth, the operation unfolded before a hopeful, transfixed eyes, ears and hearts.
The men who survived 69 days trapped underground after the mine collapse were making history as they - and their private lives - tumbled out into the light. 

For the many of them, their love life unfold for all the world to see. 
For them, some of them, the temporarily forgotten and lost love must be search and found. Their feelings of loving the loved ones is the painkiller that healed their separation time. 
The hurt feelings being trapped in the mine were healed by the new-found lost love feelings. 

 

*For 31-year old cameraman Florencio Avalos who was chosen to be the first miner to be rescued, he stepped out of the rescue capsule, hugged by his wife and tearful children as celebrations began.

*The intense feeling of love, auto mechanic, 34-year old Victor Zamora has, for his dear wife, has led him to send up poems to his heavily pregnant Mrs.


*Some of the miners who were rescued from the depths of the San José de Copiapó mine said they plan on making some changes to their lives.
With overwhelmed gratitude, the father of three sons, 30-year old Osman Araya vowed never to leave his family again.
He will fight to the end to be with them.

*Youngest miner 19-year old Jimmy Sanchez, 34-year old Claudio Yanez and 44-year old  Claudio Acuna,  all propose to their girls realising moments with them need to be cherished too.
Life is very unpredictable and death is inevitable.
They have cheated death once.
Is there the second time?

*After years spent mostly away labouring underground, a new feeling of appreciating his wife was expressed by the oldest miner, 63-year old Mario Gomez.
There's more love found while underground.
He surprised his wife with a promised proper Church wedding to his wife Lilianett Ramirez in his heartfelt correspondence, the first letter he had ever written - not even before they were married - to her after 30-years of marriage, with four daughters and seven grandchildren.
His love letter obviously will work as the couple are to marry November 7, his 64th birthday.

*Father of three, 44-year old Esteban Rojas, proposed a white gown church wedding to Jessica Yanez, which she had always wanted - "Once and for all" in a message to the woman he married in a civil ceremony 25 years ago.

A Greek mining company has invited to all those rescued and their spouses, an all-expenses-paid trip to Greek's islands.
There are other invitation too, to visit Germany, France and Spain.

Susanna and Barrios

*The miner with the biggest heart - to share his love with - is 50-year old Yonni Barrios.
His rescue was among the most anticipated when his secret love affair surfaced.
He had asked both women in his life to welcome him, but his wife of 28-years declined the invitation.
For the miners, freedom means a whole new very public life.
Open for the world to see as the world welcome them.

*54-year old shift foreman Luis Urzua was the last miner hoisted to freedom.
He is credited with helping the men survive by enforcing tight rations of their limited food, lights and other supplies.

"I congratulate you because you did your duty, leaving last like a ship's captain," Chilean President Sebastian Pinera said to him.
He is the man who held the group together when they were feared lost during the first 17 days, before help could arrive.

"We have done what the entire world was waiting for," he said immediately after his rescue.

"We had strength, we had spirit, we wanted to fight, we wanted to fight for our families, and that was the greatest thing."
Urzua made the 2,041-foot ascent in Phoenix, the rescue capsule, and emerged from a manhole-sized opening in the ground to a joyous celebration. The whole world celebrate with them too.
Mr President asked him to hug his family.
The family led a joyous crowd in singing the national anthem.

*We have read  The Miner's Diary From China
Now, the world is waiting for their diary to be read too.
48-year old electrician Victor Segova has kept a diary of life below. He was tasked with writing up a diary of the miners' 10-week ordeal.
He had asked those above to send down more pencils and paper. The  father of five had penned their story of survival - Which some already think will make for the perfect movie.
The life risking job they performed, all for the love of their family.
.

Monday, September 27, 2010

The Maid Story - The Home-Wrecker

Maids In Singapore (6)

For 8 years, the couple paid a monthly installment of S$1,000 for their terrace house in Bukit Indah in JB.
In a couple of years time, the second home, their weekend house, will be fully paid.

But a twist of an event took place:
The husband had run away with their maid and is now staying in Batam.

The wife, a staff nurse in one of the hospital in Singapore, was not aware that their maid and her husband were having an amorous affair for many years until he disappeared for good.

The wife was at lost:
Having no helper and left with three school going kids to look after single-handedly.

Not to add more financial woes to her already tight budget, she returned the terrace house back to the bank, after 'giving' the bank close to S$100,000.
Such a price to pay for a man's folly and a maid's joy.

Sad to say, I had just known it yesterday during my Aidilfitri visit although I had always reminded relatives, friends and those who intended and wanted to buy property over here, please... for goodness sake, valuation for properties purchased here is not the same as in Singapore.

All the furnitures was given to another Singaporean's son who had just bought a house in Johor Jaya in JB.
With the renovation added, probably another S$100,000 went down the drain.

***** ****** ******

By Zubaidah Nazeer

Mon Sep 20, 2010  

I Saw My Maid Hugging My Hubby In Bed
They are linked by marriage but live in separate homes.
But now, an elderly woman and her daughter-in-law claim to share a common
fate in the disintegration of their marriages.
Both women point the finger at the same "home-wrecker" - an Indonesian maid.
The elderly woman, Madam Sarah, 65, took out a personal protection order
(PPO) against her son for allegedly assaulting her when she confronted the
maid.
Her daughter-in-law, Madam Lisa, 35, claims her 10-year marriage to Madam
Sarah's son was abusive from the start, but things got worse when the maid
started working for them.
She claimed that she caught her husband in their bed with the maid one day.
The couple are now divorced while Madam Sarah is planning to file for divorce
from her husband, who is also 65.

All the names have been changed to protect the identity of the younger couple's 
three-year-old child.

MADAM LISA'S STORY:
She said she knew that her husband was someone who would get drunk and
become violent.
She married him anyway, thinking she could change him.
Within their first year of marriage, she went to court to successfully apply for a
PPO against Mr David.
The violence, in the form of slaps, punches and hair-pulling, continued, and each
time Madam Lisa would return to her mother's place to complain.
She told The New Paper:
"I didn't want to have a baby all these years because I feared he would be violent.
I was pregnant in 2002 but aborted it."
Said Madam Lisa's sister:
"None of us wanted her to marry this man.
Not even my mother, but she kept insisting she was in love."
Agreeing, her mother said:
"I prayed for her not to marry this person.
We had heard about his behaviour from his relatives."
She added:
"He has too much drama.
Once, when Lisa returned to our home, he appeared outside our flat and said he
had drunk Dettol and dropped on the floor in self-pity.
"I kept telling her not to go back but she would do so after two or three weeks."
Then, in the middle of last year, Madam Lisa employed an Indonesian maid, who
was recommended by her husband's friend.
About two weeks later, she went home around 5pm and saw Mr David behaving inappropriately with the maid.
"I saw them on the bed, he was without a shirt and she was hugging him.
Once he saw me, he pushed the maid away."
They argued and he pulled out the telephone line and took her handphone, she
claimed.
Two days later, they argued again after he was unhappy that she was
exchanging SMSes with her male friends.
She claimed he punched her on the right arm and pulled her hair.
He also scolded her with vulgarities.
Four days later, they quarrelled again over the SMS incident.
She said:
"He used both hands to choke me and I shouted for my maid to help but she did
not come out of her room."
Her husband then released his grip on her neck and told her that he was taking
her to his mother's house.
They went there with the maid and their child.
Said Madam Sarah:
"My son came to complain to me about Lisa.
He said she was having boyfriends.
I was on his side because I had no idea what was going on in their marriage
and I told him to talk it out."
Mr David then left with the maid and their child in a taxi.
Madam Lisa called a friend and stayed with her for a night.
She then moved to a shelter for women for seven weeks.
During her time there, she reflected on her life, got advice and gathered the
confidence to walk out on her marriage.
She also made a police report, which she showed to The New Paper, about the
above incidents.
After leaving the shelter, she went back to retrieve her child, accompanied by the
police.
"The padlock on the gate had been changed and we got a locksmith to break it.
The maid ignored me when I took my child," she said.
Madam Lisa, who now lives with a relative, wants to put her past behind her.
She said:
"My child has gone through so much trauma.
I realise that even having a child has not tamed my husband's violence."

MADAM SARAH'S STORY:
Her problems began early this year when her son moved into her flat with the
maid.
"I was all right with him moving in after his flat was sold.
He was going through a bitter separation and divorce with his wife," she said.
But she found it odd that he moved in with the maid.
Madam Sarah, who still works, said:
"I pitied him because of the marriage breakdown but I also wondered why he
brought the maid along.
I told him I didn't need a maid but he said she could help with the housework."
In a matter of months, she was facing verbal and physical abuse from her son
and husband.
She made three police reports against her son and one against her husband.
She also wrote a letter to the Indonesian embassy in February to plead for the
maid to be returned, saying she did not need her and that she had ruined her
marriage.
The New Paper saw the reports and the letter.
She claimed the men would often get drunk and hangout with the maid.
They would abuse and beat her when she questioned their behaviour.
One serious incident occurred in March.
In her police report,Madam Sarah said she used her mobile phone to take a
picture of the maid after the latter returned home around 5am with the two
men.
The maid complained to Mr David who then grabbed the phone from her, threw
it on the floor and punched her on the face.
"I was frightened for my life.
I did not expect such a violent reaction," she said.
She then obtained a PPO against her son on July 15.
But this did not stop the violence, she said.
The latest incident occurred last month.
In a police report dated Aug 10, Madam Sarah said her son had questioned her
about meeting his ex-wife.
She said:
"He thought I was scheming with his wife.
I met her to see my grandchild. I told her about my problems with my son."
Madam Sarah said she was worried about her safety and went to a police
station and called her older son.
She was persuaded to return home, where her younger son and husband
taunted her.
In her police report, she said they gestured to the beer bottle and then spat at her
face.
She said she called the police after her husband and son beat her older son,
who had gone up to check on her.
She has moved out and is now staying with her daughter.
She has applied for a PPO against her husband.
She said of her son:
"When he told me of his problems at home and accused his wife of having a
boyfriend, I believed him."
"But I see clearly now that my son is the one to blame. He has treated me like
garbage.
I have seen him hugging the maid and calling her 'darling'." 

"I didn't cheat on my wife'
No, I didn't hit my mother. Nor did I cheat on my wife.
This was what Mr David said when The New Paper contacted him yesterday.
The security guard claimed that accusations of his violence are false.
"They can make all these police reports but I have never hit my mother," he said.
His mother, Madam Sarah, has a court order granting her a Personal Protection
Order (PPO) against him for an incident in March.
His ex-wife also took out a PPO against him.
Mr David said that he was filing for a PPO against his mother for hitting him with
a shoe and hitting his leg in July.
He added:
"My mother has never been that way... making lots of police reports and taking
out a PPO... until my ex-wife came into the picture.
In fact, she hated my ex-wife.
"But now, I believe my ex-wife was the one that had instigated her.
"How can I hit her and beat her... my own mother?"
Asked about the two women's allegations about his having an affair with the
maid, he reiterated that his ex-wife hates him and has turned his mother
against him.
He said:
"Both of them are going around telling everybody that I am having an affair but
this is not true."
He said he had initiated the divorce because his wife had cheated on him.
He refused to comment further, apart from confirming that he has divorced his
wife.
When contacted, Mr David's father refused to comment or let us speak to the maid.

Mr Harry Low, a marriage counsellor, advises those who face family violence at
home to:
1. Have a safety plan and assess your risk.
2. Be aware of all the emergency contact numbers.
3. Have a mobile phone handy in case all residential lines have been
disconnected.
4. Get help from neighbours.
5. Apply for a Personal Protection Order.
6. If desperate, take refuge in a women's shelter and talk to counsellors there.
He said: "The most important thing is to realise that you should not hesitate to
seek help.
Often, the victims lack self-confidence or have low self-esteem and don't realise
they can break free from this cycle of violence.

This article was first published in The New Paper.